The Kruschke Theorems™ were born in the fall of 1987 – 9th grade – when I started jotting some of these ideas down on the inside cover of a school notebook. They’ve been edited, deleted, and moved around over the years; they’ve come from a variety of different sources, mostly including the mush between my ears.
There are 256 at the moment, so you would think that pretty much covers it. But, you never know when another Kruschke Theorem might pop up.
1. Fantasy (sports) comes first. 2. A guy and a girl can never be just friends. 3. Never say you’re better than anyone else; never believe you’re not just as good. 4. Your best is always good enough, but rarely is it given. 5. Numbers don’t lie, but they can be misleading. 6. It doesn’t have to be done right; it just has to be done. 7. Why do your work when somebody else will do it for you? 8. A good friend is one that will let you copy. 9. It’s better to be lucky than good. 10. Just do what it takes to get by. 11. Be cocky, even when you’re losing. That’s the key. 12. Neither borrower nor lender be. 13. Go out of your way to do good for others. 14. The longer you wait for a good thing, the less time you’ll have to enjoy it. 15. Don’t worry about things you can’t control. 16. Keep life in perspective. 17. The best thing about sports is that they humble you. 18. Girls will come and go. Your friends will always be there – don’t forget about your friends. 19. Plan ahead. 20. Every day is a gift from God. 21. Portray yourself as confident – especially when you’re not. 22. Don’t needlessly exaggerate – it makes it too hard to get your point across when you actually do have something worth saying. 23. Why worry about what others think? Live exactly the way you want to, for whatever reason you want to. 24. If you think you’re better than someone else, you’re not. 25. Try not to take yourself too seriously. 26. The best thing you can do for yourself is for somebody else. 27. You should go to church even when you don’t want to. 28. It all comes down to chicks. 29. If you live in the past, you won’t have much of a present. 30. Don’t ask what you don’t want to know. 31. Believe in yourself. 32. When you lose hope, it’s over. 33. Take nothing for granted. 34. Seldom is today “the day.” 35. Life is 11% of what happens to me and 89% of how I react to it. 36. The secret of life is contentment. 37. Be passionate about your interests and desires. 38. Sometimes you’ve just got to do stuff that sucks. 39. Those who know the most have made the most mistakes. 40. Be yourself – don’t act differently to impress others. 41. Perception is more powerful than reality. 42. You must respect yourself before others will. 43. When the brain fails, then comes the fists. 44. If you feel like doing something, just do it. 45. What makes life so interesting is that anything can happen. 46. Motivation is crucial to success. 47. Don’t ever be so stubborn that you refuse to listen. 48. Everyone’s an expert at being themselves. 49. Things are only as bad as you make them to be. 50. Guys who don’t get tail should win money. 51. The greatest mistake you can make is to be continually fearing you will make one. 52. If I’m supposed to be somebody else, why do I look like me? 53. There are good reasons why things are the way they are. 54. Assume nothing. 55. Some people just don’t get along – that doesn’t mean they’re both not good people. 56. Try hard not to judge others. 57. If you want someone to know you’re a good person, you must show them. 58. It’s never too late to better yourself, to change your ways. 59. Everyone should have a reason to get up in the morning. 60. Taking responsibility means correcting your mistakes, not just admitting them. 61. Real men don’t dance sober. 62. The jokes are a lot funnier to the person who tells them. 63. The greatest days in the world are snow days. 64. Happiness is going to bed without having to set the alarm clock. 65. If you think you’ve got it good, you most certainly do. 66. Refuse to be intimidated. 67. Don’t pretend to be an expert at things you’re not. 68. We are manipulated by opinions and influences every day – try not to be. 69. There’s a number 69 on every softball team. 70. Never screw with a winning streak. 71. Let it go. 72. Why do we think we can figure out other people, when usually we can’t even figure out ourselves? 73. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains. 74. Give people more credit for being good people. 75. Hot chicks rule the world. 76. It’s all in the way you look at things. 77. Don’t waste time feeling sorry for yourself. 78. When the dog’s hungry, the dog eats. 79. Pressure is something we put on ourselves. 80. Tie can’t go to the runner, because there’s no such thing as a tie. 81. Whatever you want to do, do it today. There are only so many tomorrows. 82. It matters not what you could be, or what you were, but who you are. 83. We covet what we see every day. 84. Sunglasses can hide a lot of ugly. 85. Make up your own mind. 86. Looking at beautiful women is pure torture. 87. Lots of girls with boyfriends are either unhappy or too dumb to realize they should be. 88. Today is yesterday’s tomorrow. 89. There’s no knowledge that isn’t power. 90. No-one owes you anything. 91. Make fun of yourself before somebody else does. 92. When yesterday’s news is still today’s news, then it’s big news. 93. Maybe this – right now – is the best time of my life. 94. A lot of people think they’re a good person because they know the difference between right and wrong; good people choose right over wrong. 95. Life isn’t like Burger King – you can’t always have it your way. 96. Talk less, listen more, put others first. 97. Ugly chicks are daily reminders of where we’ve all been and hope to never return. 98. We always want people to be more like us, but just not better than us. 99. Do what you want to do, go as far as you can, and don’t let things bother you. 100. Give God the benefit of the doubt. 101. You learn a little more about life each day. 102. If you’ve got time for the driving range, you might as well golf. 103. A little bit is so much more than nothing. 104. If your word doesn’t mean anything, then neither do you. 105. Half of life is showing up. 106. You know it’s cold when your nostril hairs freeze. 107. Don’t let another’s poor attitude affect yours. 108. Every once in a while, we all need a pep talk. 109. A girl without a boyfriend isn’t trying too hard. 110. Don’t go grocery shopping when you’re hungry. 111. Life is too fickle to be overly emotional about it. 112. Don’t put a stamp on a letter until you’re ready to mail it. 113. The women I want, I can’t have; the ones that want me, I don’t want. 114. You know you’re in a good mood when you start singing songs you don’t know the words to. 115. A little variety goes a long way. 116. Not everything naked is beautiful. 117. Time is a product of your priorities. 118. No content person likes change. 119. Treat a person as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat him as he could be, and he will become what he should be. 120. A girl will want you if she thinks other girls want you. 121. The world is extremely interesting to a joyful soul. 122. The attempt to silence a man is the greatest honor you can bestow on him. It means that you recognize his superiority to yourself. 123. Smile a lot when you’re around the babes. 124. Life is a mindset. 125. Do whatever makes you happy and don’t answer to anybody else. 126. It’s more fun to watch the exact same movie on TV than it is if you owned it and could have watched it anytime. 127. Find inspiration wherever and whenever you can. 128. A guy should get a little lovin' on his birthday. 129. A guy should get a little lovin' the day after his birthday. 130. Trust is hard to earn but much harder to regain. 131. Life is a blink, but heaven is forever. 132. There’s as much filth or beauty in this world as you choose to see. 133. A shared experience is the most rewarding. 134. Many people would rather talk about what could have been than what is. 135. The smartest people in the world are the ones who are happy. 136. People will always have their opinions, no matter how uninformed or justified they may be. 137. Commitment is not about personal convenience. 138. Life is in the way you treat others. 139. You either believe in something or you don’t. If you don’t, there are many ways out. If you do, anything is possible. 140. A friend is one who walks in when others walk out. 141. Listen to your heart; go with your gut feeling. 142. Nothing is as good as it seems beforehand. 143. If you ain’t lovin’, you ain’t livin’. 144. A song sounds better when the singer’s good-looking. 145. The greatest thing about life is that you can be happy if you decide to be happy. 146. Special people change the rules. 147. Words get heard. 148. Make as many memories as you can. 149. If somebody invites you to something, you should go. 150. We love people that remind us of ourselves. 151. Life swings on a dime. 152. Slow and steady wins the race. 153. Do most people seem truly happy to you? Then don’t do what most people do. 154. There are only so many summers and so many springs. 155. It’s worse to say you’re going to something and then bail, than it is to never have planned to go in the first place. 156. Don’t let anybody ruin your fun. 157. Girls with ugly friends are the best ones to go out with. 158. See the greatness in yourself without acting like you do. 159. It doesn’t matter where you’re at, only the direction in which you’re heading. 160. Satisfaction in life is based on the quality of your relationships. 161. You can never take too many pictures. 162. The true sign of what we’re made of is how we deal with life when it’s unfair with us. 163. Don’t let anybody else affect your attitude. 164. People are weirder, goofier, and crazier than you think. 165. Fridays should be half-days. 166. Real men are always hungry. 167. Many people’s truths are nothing more than perceptions. 168. Uncertainty is one of life’s greater calamities. 169. Sometimes you’ve just got to do what it takes to get through the day. 170. “I don’t know” is a great answer and often the most truthful one you’ll hear all day. 171. The cost of true leadership often includes personal sacrifice. 172. Most often, our heroes are who we want them to be, more than whom they really are. 173. Don’t be mad that you’re not going out with a girl if you haven’t even asked her out. 174. There should be no 3rd quarter in football. 175. Fear is nothing more than your faith on trial. 176. Money’s not important to me, as long as I have enough to pay my bills and go out when I want to. 177. Everybody needs a reason for optimism – even if it’s false hope. 178. Women love aloof men, for reasons I don’t think even they can explain. 179. Beware of girls who some days wear glasses, and some days don’t. 180. Everyday living is all about the little things you look forward to. 181. Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect – it means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections. 182. Work sucks. That’s why they call it work. 183. A healthy relationship is one that allows – if not encourages – the other to be themselves. 184. If you have to ask somebody if you can join them, they probably didn’t want you there to begin with. 185. People are always more excited about the future than the present. But once, the present was the future. 186. It’s hard to be mature and have a great sense of humor at the same time. 187. People are far more complicated than we care to believe. 188. You’re never as old as you think you are. 189. Embrace people, every chance you get. 190. The secret to being cool is to act like you don't care about anything or anybody. 191. Life is a battle with many rounds. 192. Time is never wasted when spent with hot chicks. 193. If you want to be somebody else, change your mind. 194. “Maybe” pretty much always means “no.” 195. Whenever you can talk yourself into a salad, you better have one. 196. When things are going well, you find out who your enemies are; when you’re down, you find out who your friends are. 197. Life is all about managing expectations. 198. Focus on what you have, not on what you don’t have – or you’ll always feel empty. 199. There are so many ways we can improve ourselves, and all of those ways are attitude. 200. When you give up something you really love, a little piece of you dies – so there better be an excellent reason why. 201. Wealthy and good-looking people have a harder time telling who their real friends are. 202. You should always be true to your heart before anything or anyone else. 203. Some people create drama in their life just to feel important. 204. The more you talk the more stupid things you will say. 205. Your best qualities will surface in the presence of great people. 206. Accepting your lot in life is something that many struggle with, and some deny for a lifetime. 207. Change is often refreshing. 208. Life is a test from God. 209. You feel the way you do right now because of the thoughts you are thinking at this moment. 210. Don’t have strong opinions about things you don’t understand. 211. Consistency breeds confidence and safety, but also boredom and narrow-mindedness. 212. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 213. How you behave when no-one’s watching is the type of person you really are. 214. Never wish a single person “Happy Valentine’s Day.” 215. Anticipation of an event is often more fun than the real thing. 216. Your best friends are the ones you can be your goofiest with. 217. You can’t respect someone who kisses your ass. 218. Life’s surprises keep us going. 219. Anything spoken carries more significance written down. 220. There’s bad with every good, good with every bad. 221. Perspective is perhaps life’s most valuable tool – to see how short and fragile it is; to realize the impact we can have on others and how just one negative word goes a long way. 222. Beware of gorgeous women – there’s often a price to pay for that beauty. 223. When all is said-and-done, the only thing you have left are the stories. So make some good ones. 224. Love means no explanation necessary. 225. You hang around anybody long enough and they’re going to annoy you. 226. Nobody wants to be called lucky. 227. Life is like a taxi cab ride – the meter is always running. 228. Often times, the hard thing to do is the right thing to do. 229. Wherever a person sets the bar, they always want more. 230. Life is an illusion, a mirage. You want to grab on to something, thinking you can hold it forever, but soon it is gone. The only thing steady is your faith, your heart, and your soul. 231. If you don’t write your own story, others will write it for you. 232. The best time to eat healthy is when you’re starving. 233. Stop doing things you don’t enjoy. 234. You know you’re a smart-ass when you have to give the “smart-ass disclaimer” anytime you’re actually serious. 235. Relationships are a lot easier when you don’t have options. 236. The key to happiness is to live not for yourself, but for God and others. 237. Outward beauty pulls you in; inward beauty keeps you there. 238. Everything in moderation. 239. The point of life is not how long you live, but the impact you have on others while you're here. 240. Step out of your shell and try something new. 241. Those who think they have it all figured out are often furthest from it. 242. A man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest. 243. He who angers you controls you. 244. You are never more comfortable than when you need to be doing something else. 245. It’s easier to say “sorry” than to ask for permission. 246. Getting older is a relief in that you feel less-and-less responsible for the hipness you lacked all along. 247. Life isn’t about this life; it’s about the next one. 248. I love food more than I hate my belly. 249. Every different group of friends thinks THEY invented good times. 250. There should be a rule that when you’re gone for the weekend, you still get a weekend once you get home. 251. Morning minutes go quickly. 252. Don’t worry, and set your mind on good things. 253. It’s all about the disclaimer. 254. Understand that in life – other than the people that are close to you – everyone else can go either way. 255. All duties default to the person that cares the most. 256. You do it your way, I’ll do it mine, and we’ll see who wins in the end. 257. Reasonable men can have differing opinions. 258. If not us, who? If not now, when? 259. Be wary of conventional wisdom.